pottergirl11

Ugh, I have a cold. :(  My nose is running like crazy! My little sister B is sick too and she had been coughing all over the place. So its her fault I'm sick. Man, I'm freaking tired. *yawn*
Well, hate to cut this short but I need to go do more schoolwork. Blah.

Okay, I am in love with this song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMxASjxRk1w&feature=related
Its really cool. I have the library tomorrow. Thank god, getting out of the house, and away from school! :)
I bitched, and whined and pleaded till I got my dad to let me go to the science center on the 24th as well. He was been such a freaking spaz lately, he doesn't want me to go anywhere. Its really dumb.
I'm going as a UNDEAD PROM QUEEN for halloween. Gonna hit goodwill and savers and find a really ugly dress to trash. I think I'm gonna run it over with the car, fake blood, rips, tears, worn spots made with a nail file, and grass stains. :) Its gonna be so much fun to wreck that dress! Can't wait.

Um, well, its kinda late so ttfn.

Gah, school sucks today. I only started around nine thirty so I won't be done until like, four or something. And on my sleep deprived brain its taking even longer than usual. Makes me even more tired than just thinking about it. :( School sucks big time. *makes sad face*
Omg, ow, my sister just flopped over my legs. Such a rude little shit sometimes. :) My sisters and I are horrid to each other. Pinching, pulling, smacking, and name calling. Every. Single. Day. Its kind of funny though.

So I was looking way back in the deep, dark depths of when I first started this journal. Its awful. The run on sentences, the punctuation, (or lack of) it was just horrid!!!!
I am currently indulging in one of the most forbidden yummys every, Coke. :) Mmmmmm!
I only got four hours of sleep last night. Ugh. I am so tired. It sucks.

Went to counseling today. I'm starting to like my counselor a bit more. Her only downfall is that she says 'does that make sense?' way to much. But other than that she's pretty decent. She lets me curse as much as I want too. :) 
I finished all my school work by two thirty today.

Way off topic but lately I've really been feeling like nothing I do is good enough. For anyone.
My grades, my clothes, my looks, my words, my actions, everything is not good enough. My dad is on me about my grades, my boss completely ignores my extra work, my looks are to ugly, my clothes not fashionable enough. My words are out of date and uncool. Its really unfair. I try so hard to make everyone happy. To do enough to make people take notice. Its never enough. Its really not fair.
Its getting to the point were I am making myself sick trying to please everyone. Grrr, its never enough!!!!!

So, just to fill you in, quick time line of the past few months,
Summer camp, got home from summer camp and was told we were moving, killed self moving into tiny crap apartment, parents split, gradual decline into depression, mom moves out, shuffled between parents, counseling, more crappy depression, forced into online school by jerk off dad, working, working, working, now.

Isn't my life great right now? Ugh. My life is sucking majorly. Also helped along by the facts that I now hate my father, my life blows, school sucks, and to top it off, I'll be 15 in three months and I've never even held hands with a boy dammit!!!!!
Also, my insomnia has decided to revisit. And I can't even be in the same parking lot with both my parents without my brain exploding and all hell breaking loose.
Gah, I freaking feel like a zombie. I can't even cry anymore. I tried to earlier today and could not. How creepy is that?

Oh, AND my very first homecoming dance blew. I was cornered by a special ed girl and could not find a way out without being a jerk.
Yay.

1) You are facing an epic journey. You may choose one companion, one tool and one vehicle from any book or film to accompany you. Or just one of the three. It’s up to you. What do you choose?
I choose Ron Weasley, because he is really funny. Um, tool, a magic wand, and horses.

2) You can escape to the insides of any book. Where do you go, and why?
I pick Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, they are in NYC. I picked that because I love cities and all the cool stuff they do.

3) You can bring one literary character into your current life. Who do you choose, and why?
Um, Pink Pig from Goodbye Pink Pig. I really loved that book. I think its part of what made me love reading so much.

4)  What is one book you could read 54 times without getting bored, stopping for pee breaks or going insane?
Erm, I think Twilight. Everytime I read it, I notice more and more details.

5) Of all the literary or film characters that made an impression on you as a kid, who was the most enviable?
Oh, geez.. Harry Potter. I love that book. I did when I was seven, I still do now.

6) Of all the literary or film characters that made an impression on you as a kid, who was the most frightening?
Ugh, Slappy, from Night of the Living Dummy. One of those GooseBumps movies.

7) Pick one book that has amazingly vivid scenery.
Stardust by Neil Gaiman. That man is freaking wonderful with words.

8) The one book that makes you cry every time you read it?
Oh god, um, Harry Potter 5, 6, and 7. The Giver, Goodbye Pink Pig, Bride to Terebithia, and a manga called Fruits Basket. Oh and The Little Prince.

9) What book should not have been made into a movie?
Um,  Bridge to Terebithia.

10) What book freaks you out?
The Forest of Hands and Teeth.

11) The book that gives you thrills?
Wicked Lovely. By Marrissa Marr.

12) What book makes you belive in magic, love, god or anything else?
Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Giver.

13) Best non-fiction book?
The Diary of Anne Frank.

Sooooo, Lemon Demon has their first four albums for free on their web site.
I really like them. They are pretty cool. In a super nerd kinda way.
I haven't posted in like forever!!! I've been really busy since school started. Crap loads of stuff to do. Uuuummmmm, so yeah. As you probably already know, my life is currently down the crapper in terms of fun and general happiness. Blah. I had to quit the science center. I'm really bummed. I remember last time I had to quit I got really depressed and stuff. I'm already pretty depressed. I don't need anything else on top of that.

So, bye. I have more school to do. I think its science next. Yay......

Within a week. And I was reading. :)

So on my first day back from camp, (yesterday) dad tells me that we are probably moving.
Today, he went to look at some places. He signed a lease. I have never seen the place. I'll be sharing a room with both my sisters instead of just my one sister.
I love it when my parents don't ever consider my feelings or opinions before making a huge decision like this.
I'm acting like it doesn't bother me but I don't know how long I can keep lying.
Now I have no f***ing idea where I'll be living or anything. Sometimes I really and truly hate my dad.

Konami Code by the Gothsicles. Best. Song. Ever.

So! I just got my conformation email for summer camp. I'm really excited. It should be really fun.

On a more somber note, B's girl rabbit, MoMo passed away yesterday in the arms of her loving owner, B.
She is really torn up about it. She has been crying nonstop since it happened.
I've got to go. Bye...

Omfg, I get to go to summer camp! :) I'm so happy. I'll be gone for five days.
Miss K is coming with me. It should be really fun. I've never done summer camp before.
Its coed so I'm kinda nervous. Its through the 4-H office.

These are some of the poems that I like.

That Everything's Inevitable
by Katy Lederer

That everything's inevitable.
That fate is whatever has already happened.
The brain, which is as elemental, as sane, as the rest of the processing universe is.
In this world, I am the surest thing.
Scrunched-up arms, folded legs, lovely destitute eyes.
Please insert your spare coins.
I am filling them up.
Please insert your spare vision, your vigor, your vim.
But yet, I am a vatic one.
As vatic as the Vatican.
In the temper and the tantrum, in the well-kept arboretum
I am waiting, like an animal,
For poetry.

The Mistake Jack Gilbert

There is always the harrowing by mortality,
the strafing by age, he thinks. Always defeats.
Sorrows come like epidemics. But we are alive
in the difficult way adults want to be alive.
It is worth having the heart broken,
a blessing to hurt for eighteen years
because a woman is dead. He thinks of long
before that, the summer he was with Gianna
and her sister in Apulia. Having outwitted
the General, their father, and driven south
to the estate of the Contessa. Like an opera.
The fiefdom stretching away to the horizon.
Houses of the peasants burrowed into the walls
of the compound. A butler with white gloves
serving chicken in aspic. The pretty maid
in her uniform bringing his breakfast each
morning on a silver tray: toast both light
and dark, hot chocolate and tea both. A world
like Tosca. A feudal world crushed under
the weight of passion without feeling.
Gianna’s virgin body helplessly in love.
The young man wild with romance and appetite.
Wondering whether he would ruin her by mistake.

Lion and Gin
by Dennis Hinrichsen

I pet my father like some big cat a hunter has set on the ground,
though I am in Iowa now and not the Great Rift Valley
and what I sense as tent canvas flapping, thick with waterproofing,
is cheap cotton
choked with starch.
Still, he is a lion on the gurney.
I talk a little to make sure he's dead.
I have some memory of riding his shoulders
through the fragrant night. Three fish coiled in a creel. So many
butterflies
and gnats, it was two-thirds Kenya,
one-third Illinois.
And then home: the clink
of ice and gin.
And so I rub his hair, which is unwashed, and will
remain unwashed, for we will burn him.
I touch the blade of his chest.
Think of all those years I spent hovering beneath the scent of
Marlboros,
the mouthwash trace of booze; all that ice
cracking, going stale: crowned molars and mimic glaciers
fading to bled-out amber among the cuticles of lime.
Maybe that's why when he so blindly flies
on that exaltation of velocity and gas,
he doesn't linger in this world awhile as word or song,
a density we might gather round—
an aquifer, or gushing spring, as pure as gin.
Instead, he departs
as vapor.
Fragments of tooth and bone in the swept-out mass I can
throw back to dirt, or spread—a child's sugared, grainy drink—
to water.
And now I wonder, where's the soul in this?
The agent of it?
If it un-tags, re-tags itself—a flexible, moveable,
graffiti—indelible for the time we have it,
or if it sputters on some inward cycle toward a Rubbermaid
waste bucket, sink trap ringed with cocktail residue.
As on my returning, the trays of ice were reduced to spit.
I had a drink in my hand,
that memory of riding; the fragrant night.
How can I open the freezer now and not see the milky irises
of his passage;
the array of paw and pelt;
jaw wrenched so far open in that rictus of longing, gasping,
his living eyes could not help but tip and follow?

The Pond Jim Powell
On the back way
there are planks laid
across the swampy places,
jet black loam where water
pools in the dents,

a place on the path
I double back to
and catch myself returning
mirrored in a sheet
of water, the world

doubled back
in the glassy pool:
wind animates the leaves
and the glint shaken from them
winks flickering

in the pond dreaming
at the secret center
past the last screen
of ferns and creepers, bramble
entanglements

and periphrastic
evasions this place
a steady witness for
the rehearsal of a ghostly
life in signs

and tokens, clairvoyant
the way dreams
betray us to ourselves
in a changeling masquerade
uncovering

another nature
another self
to read in the face there
in the water till reflection
troubles the mirror.

This one is my favorite.

You're Beautiful by Simon Armitage
because you're classically trained.
I'm ugly because I associate piano wire with strangulation.

You're beautiful because you stop to read the cards in
newsagents' windows about lost cats and missing dogs.
I'm ugly because of what I did to that jellyfish with a lolly
stick and a big stone.

You're beautiful because for you, politeness is instinctive, not
a marketing campaign.
I'm ugly because desperation is impossible to hide.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You're beautiful because you believe in coincidence and the
power of thought.
I’m ugly because I proved God to be a mathematical
impossibility.

You're beautiful because you prefer home-made soup to the
packet stuff.
I'm ugly because once, at a dinner party, I defended the
aristocracy and wasn’t even drunk.

You're beautiful because you can't work the remote control.
I'm ugly because of satellite television and twenty-four-hour
rolling news.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You're beautiful because you cry at weddings as well as
funerals.
I’m ugly because I think of children as another species from
a different world.

You're beautiful because you look great in any colour
including red.
I'm ugly because I think shopping is strictly for the
acquisition of material goods.

You're beautiful because when you were born, undiscovered
planets lined up to peep over the rim of your cradle and lay
gifts of gravity and light at your miniature feet.
I’m ugly for saying "love at first sight" is another form of
mistaken identity, and that the most human of all responses
is to gloat.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You're beautiful because you’ve never seen the inside of a
car-wash.
I'm ugly because I always ask for a receipt.

You're beautiful for sending a box of shoes to the third
world.
I'm ugly because I remember the telephone numbers of
ex-girlfriends and the year Schubert was born.

You're beautiful because you sponsored a parrot in a zoo.
I'm ugly because when I sigh it’s like the slow collapse of a
circus tent.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You're beautiful because you can point at a man in a uniform
and laugh.
I'm ugly because I was a police informer in a previous life.

You're beautiful because you drink a litre of water and eat
three pieces of fruit a day.
I'm ugly for taking the line that a meal without meat is a
beautiful woman with one eye.

You're beautiful because you don’t see love as a competition
and you know how to lose.
I'm ugly because I kissed the FA Cup then held it up to the
crowd.

You're beautiful because of a single buttercup in the top
buttonhole of your cardigan.
I'm ugly because I said the World’s Strongest Woman was a
muscleman in a dress.

You're beautiful because you couldn’t live in a lighthouse.
I'm ugly for making hand-shadows in front of the giant bulb,
so when they look up, the captains of vessels in distress see
the ears of a rabbit, or the eye of a fox, or the legs of a
galloping black horse.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

Death Barged In
by Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

In his Russian greatcoat
slamming open the door
with an unpardonable bang,
and he has been here ever since.

He changes everything,
rearranges the furniture,
his hand hovers
by the phone;
he will answer now, he says;
he will be the answer.

Tonight he sits down to dinner
at the head of the table
as we eat, mute;
later, he climbs into bed
between us.

Even as I sit here,
he stands behind me
clamping two
colossal hands on my shoulders
and bends down
and whispers to my neck,
From now on,
you write about me.


Untitled [This is what was bequeathed us]
by Gregory Orr

An excerpt from How Beautiful the Beloved

This is what was bequeathed us:
This earth the beloved left
And, leaving,
Left to us.

No other world
But this one:
Willows and the river
And the factory
With its black smokestacks.

No other shore, only this bank
On which the living gather.

No meaning but what we find here.
No purpose but what we make.

That, and the beloved's clear instructions:
Turn me into song; sing me awake.

So as you probably know, April is poetry month. At the end of the month I'm gonna post some of my favorite poems! :) Woopie.

So I'm so totally obsessed with Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber. Its teh kewl.
I haven't posted in ages. The kittens are three weeks old and teething! Its so cute!
The little grey one, Zephyr, comes to his name. It is so funny.
Also, not only has my mom stolen Modest Mouse, she has now taken Death Cab for Cutie. Wtf is up with my parents having musical taste. Sometimes. I don't like most of my moms stuff. Its all weird spoken word crap.
However, they like Nine Inch Nails and Wolf Parade and Coldplay. And Blink 182.
Lately all the music I've listened to is romantic emo stuff. Odd. I've never been into love songs.
g2g

Juno had five kittens!!!! Yay. They are so cute. There is one grey kitten and all the rest are black. So teeny and sweet. They make the sweetest sounds. Mama cat is auch a show off. She rolled over to show them off. Super ultra cute.

Miss Juno, (the cat) is in labor. Wow. I'm gonna have kittens!!!!!!
She tipped up off by acting really odd. Yowling and crying to come inside. Poor baby.
Gotta go take a look.

Guess what! I'm taking Spanish this summer at the community college near my house. I'm so nervous, but excited too! :) I was gonna try to get K to come with me but she doesn't wanna.
We really need to figure something out to do this summer. I don't wanna be bored this time.
I'm reading Bleach, the manga by, um, let me look, Tite Kubo.
Ugh, my allergies are killing me. Have been for like the past two or three months.
I think I'm gonna cake and take half a benadryl once a day. It seems to be the right dose for me.
Once I took a whole one and was a total zombie all day. Ha, an allergy free zombie. X_X *snerk*
Be right back, had to go water the pets.
Juno, (the very pregnant outdoor kitty) is due to have the kittens any day now. Her belly is huge! :) Its really cute cause she's such a tiny cat.
Well, I'm gonna go. Later.

 Man, I'm sleepy. Its hot out already. Damn. 
Got a whole bunch of new icons. Go admire then. Now. 
I totally in love w/ The Cure right now. I love Lullaby. It sounds so great.
Well, I probably have more chores to do. Peace out.